When siblings don’t help with aging parents
When siblings don’t help with aging parents, it can cause friction between siblings and even a total breakdown in family relationships.
Before coming up with solutions to get all siblings to pitch in, it is important to understand why some siblings don’t help with aging parents.
Here are some of the most common reasons.
Unhealthy Sibling Relationships
Most adult children have complicated relationships with their siblings.
When siblings refuse to help caring for elderly parents, it can cause a great deal of tension and even lead to a total breakdown in family relationships.
Siblings behavior often develops over time as siblings grow up their roles with other family members change and unfortunately not always for the better.
Often, the sibling who has the primary caregiving responsibilities feels resentful and unsupported by their siblings as they have a huge responsibility to shoulder on their own.
This can cause a rift in the relationship that is difficult to mend.
Siblings who refuse to help elderly parents as they age are often engaging in unhealthy behaviors that have developed over time.
Siblings may have competed for their parents’ attention when they were younger and this may have led to resentment, competition and jealousy.
Evidence of the power struggles is re-lived in unconscious form as adult siblings struggle to keep interactions cordial.
As siblings get older and are expected to help take care of their parents, the resentments may resurface.
When these emotions are left unchecked and the siblings don’t communicate and work through these issues, it can lead to a total breakdown in family relationships.
This is especially true if the siblings are already having difficulty getting along.
In some cases, the siblings may have never gotten along well and this refusal to help their parents only serves to further damage the relationship.
Unhealthy sibling relationships add stress to the caregiving process.
Looking at your relationships with the siblings or their rivalries often gives a clue that some siblings are struggling with coping with stepping up and helping with elderly parent’s care.
Long-held sibling resentment will cause difficult rather than harmonious relationships.
Siblings argue about paying for an aging parent’s care
Finance plays a crucial role in what the younger siblings do when they have to look after their ailing parents.
This is where health problems in an aging mother or father become more evident.
A sick parent who requires specialist health care professionals takes an emotional toll on all family members.
Siblings refusing to help with aging parents can be caused by many things, but one of the biggest reasons is when siblings argue about paying for aging parents’ care.
This argument can cause a significant breakdown in family relationships and can manifest later in life.
When siblings are younger, they often share the responsibility of taking care of their aging parents.
But as they get older and their lives become more complicated, they may start to argue about who should be responsible for paying for care.
This can lead to siblings refusing to help aging parents with caregiving duties or even accompanying them to a doctor’s appointment.
If siblings won’t help, the breakdown of family relationships can be very damaging, especially if it happens later in life.
It can be hard to rebuild trust after something like this has happened.
And, if the siblings are already estranged, it may be even harder to get them to work together again.
Family members fall back into childhood patterns
One potential issue that can arise when siblings are confronted with taking care of their aging parents is that they fall back into childhood patterns.
When family members are joined together to help aging parents, they frequently return to dysfunctional family dynamics.
When we are children, our parents are responsible for meeting all of our needs.
As adults, we are expected to take care of ourselves, and sometimes this involves making difficult decisions about our parents’ care.
Often, one sibling becomes the designated caretaker of the parents and this can create tension and resentment between siblings.
The caretaker may feel burdened and resentful that they have to take on this responsibility, while the other siblings may feel left out and resentful that they are not doing more to help.
This can lead to a total breakdown in family relationships.
Siblings may refuse to speak to one another, or they may even engage in outright battles over who is responsible for taking care of their parents.
This can be incredibly damaging to everyone involved and can rob siblings of the chance to reconnect and rebuild their relationships after their parents have passed away.
I think everyone should just be reminded that the focus here is on the parent rather than on a rivalry for a sibling.
Personality changes in elderly parents
Personality changes in elderly parents are a significant cause of siblings refusing to help with aging parents.
As parents age, they can become more forgetful, less mobile, and need more assistance with completing everyday tasks.
In many cases, siblings can step in and provide this assistance willingly.
However, some siblings may feel like they are being taken advantage of, especially if their parents were previously independent.
Ultimately, if the relationship between siblings is already strained, any issues arising from taking care of elderly parents can be a major catalyst for a total breakdown in family relationships.
However, when personality changes begin to occur in elderly parents – such as becoming more irritable or argumentative.
It often leads to tension and conflict between siblings.
In some cases, the siblings may completely break off communication with one another and refuse to help their elderly parents at all.
This can be very difficult for both the parents and the children and can cause a great deal of stress and heartache.
Dementia is another factor that can cause personality changes in seniors.
For adult children, this is very distressing to witness.
They are no longer the people you knew throughout your life and you are uncomfortable spending time in their company.
Depending on your situation your parents are likely to become less reasonable, and more difficult to communicate with in any rational way.
In some cases, there is an unfounded sense of paranoia and blowing up otherwise innocent events turning these into personal attacks.
Don’t be hard on yourself and realize you’re not guilty.
Aging parents resist caregiving
In many families, one or more adult siblings take on the role of caregiver for aging parents while other siblings do not.
Often, this is due to the elderly parent resisting caregiving.
When aging parents resist caregiving, it can cause tension between siblings and even a total breakdown in family relationships.
Aging parents may resist caregiving for several reasons.
They may feel like they are too young or healthy to need help and they may not want to be a burden to their children.
They may also be resistant to change and reluctant to give up their independence.
When aging parents resist caregiving, it can be frustrating for their children.
The children may feel like they are not being appreciated or that their efforts are not being recognized.
This can lead to tension and resentment between siblings.
In some cases, the siblings may even refuse to help with aging parents altogether.
This communication breakdown can be very damaging to family relationships.
It can leave aging parents feeling unsupported and alone and it can leave siblings feeling angry and resentful.
If this happens, the family needs to seek counseling to help repair the damage.
Sometimes adult kids know they need help, but a parent is not willing to take it on.
Consequently, the family can have a conflict with obeying the unrealistic wishes of the parents.
Siblings do not agree on the level of help required
Siblings not agreeing on the level of help required can be a significant cause of siblings refusing to help with aging parents.
For example, one sibling may feel that they are doing enough by visiting their parents once a week.
In contrast, another sibling may feel that they need to be there every day to help with grocery shopping, meals and bathing.
One sibling could feel as though their parents are doing fine at home.
The other child could feel more could be done including downsizing and moving the parents to a retirement village.
Their rationale is that with their aging parents are surrounded by a community of fellow seniors and retirement villages provide medical assistance and professional help 24/7.
This can lead to a lot of tension and conflict between siblings, and fracture a close relationship which can ultimately lead to them refusing to help at all.
The long distance siblings syndrome occurs more often than we realize.
This is particularly common when the family is scattered geographically and siblings live interstate or overseas.
The tyranny of distance makes the caregiving process especially challenging for the one child primarily in charge of the elderly parent’s care.
What to do when your siblings don’t help with caring for your parents
If you feel that your siblings are not helping enough with caring for aging parents, then you may need to have a family meeting to discuss the situation.
This can be a difficult conversation, but everyone must be on the same page about how the care will be shared.
You may need to set some ground rules about what is expected from each family member.
If your sibling does not want to help out, then you may need to find other ways to get the help you need.
5 ways to get siblings who are not pulling their weight in caring for elderly parents to contribute equally
1. Talk to them about it
One of the best ways to get siblings who are not pulling their weight in caring for elderly parents to contribute equally is to talk to them about it.
Hold a family meeting, sit down with your siblings and have a frank discussion about the care of your elderly parents.
Specifically, about the role, they are playing in caring for your parents.
Make it clear that you all need to contribute equally to make things run smoothly.
Let them know that you would like them to start pitching in and doing their part.
2. Create a chore chart
Another way to get siblings who are not pulling their weight in caring for elderly parents to contribute equally is to create a chore chart.
Assign specific tasks and duties to each sibling and have them rotate through every week.
This will help ensure that everyone is doing their part.
If one sibling is not able to contribute as much as the others, try to come up with a plan that takes everyone’s abilities into account.
Maybe one sibling can take on the role of primary caregiver while the others help out with tasks.
These tasks could be grocery shopping, running errands, or providing emotional support.
3. Set some ground rules
If talking to your siblings doesn’t work, then you may need to set some ground rules.
Let them know that if they don’t start pitching in and doing their part, there will be consequences.
This may mean that they will have to start paying for their portion of care.
Otherwise they will no longer be able to visit your parents as often.
4. Offer incentives
If all else fails, you may need to offer incentives for your siblings to start pitching in and doing their part.
This could be something as simple as letting them pick the movie for family night or taking them out to dinner.
This could mean giving them a break on costs or offering them special privileges, such as being able to visit their parents more often.
5. Get help from professionals
If you are feeling overwhelmed and don’t know how to get your siblings who are not pulling their weight in caring for elderly parents to contribute equally, get help from professionals.
Consider hiring outside help such as a geriatric care manager to ensure that your elderly parents are getting the care they need.
This could be costly but it may be worth it to keep the peace in your family.
Consider moving them into assisted living facilities where healthcare professionals are on site and elder care resources are available.
Turn to a family therapist or elder care specialist who can help mediate the situation and get everyone on the same page.
Summary
It is never easy to witness a parent’s decline and be helpless to stop their increasingly serious health problems from taking over the once young and vibrant bodies.
When caregiving responsibilities fall primarily on one sibling, their own well being is negatively impacted.
In an ideal world, the many siblings would share caregiving duties equally.
Family dynamics can be tricky and if other family members won’t contribute, seek professional help, especially that of a geriatric care manager.
Holding down a full time job and being the adult child called upon to make medical decisions that affect an aging parent creates tension and resentment especially when siblings refuse to help.
However, as discussed in this article there is light at the end of the tunnel and the steps listed will help you break free from being saddled with taking care of an elderly parent in what feels like you are doing on your own.
You got this!
